New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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