I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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