I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
