I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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