the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
