The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
