Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize