Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
