Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
