Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
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