OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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