I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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