I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
