My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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