She tied me up with her honor cords...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
