I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
