i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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