its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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