i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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