he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
