I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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