my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
