Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
