tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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