Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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