he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
