Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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