party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
