Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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