A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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