Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
