If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She announced her abortion via fbk
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize