Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My ass is underappreciated
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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