areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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