My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Those nachos came to me in a dream
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize