She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize