I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
