OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
