you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
