when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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