remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
