Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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