your parents love me but you hate me
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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