Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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