I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
