OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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