Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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