it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
