FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
