yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
