I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize