and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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