and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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