I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
