Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
