Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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