I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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