I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
