so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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