Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
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