I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
