The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
