idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
