ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
