the condom got lost in my hair
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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