She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
