idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
