Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
