just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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