does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
