I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
